‘Bachelor Canada’ episode three recap: cowboys and lumberjacks

Ana, Bianka, and Gabrielle with children from a local orphanage

Ana, Bianka, and Gabrielle with children from a local orphanage
Ana, Bianka, and Gabrielle with children from a local orphanage

It’s week three for The Bachelor Canada and 12 girls remain in the running to become Bachelor Brad’s bride-to-be (maybe). Last night’s episode opened with the girls casually posing on an assortment of patio furniture to await the arrival of poor man’s Chris Harrison host Tyler Harcott. Tyler lets the ladies know that there will be two group dates this week–a six-on-one and a five-on-one–as well as the coveted one-on-one date.

He offers up the first date card and a gift basket and this one isn’t full of drug store essentials but a denim shirt for Kara, who is chosen for the special “saddle-up” themed solo date with Brad.

Kara dons her sexiest Canadian tuxedo just in time for Brad to whisk her away on yet another helicopter ride, because apparently this is the only way to get anywhere.

The denim-clad duo arrives at a ranch in south-western Alberta for some romantic horseback cow-wrangling. Brad looks suitably tense atop the horse in his deep v-cut t-shirt and comically large cowboy hat and admits he’s terrible at horseback riding–at one point he proclaims “I can’t find the gearbox!” Despite the odds, the couple manage to successfully herd the cows and the pair ride off into the sunset together (of course).

Afterwards, Brad and Kara arrive at a soundstage masquerading as a candle lit barn for their romantic dinner. A wooden barn full of hay seems like a less than ideal place for open flames but the two don’t seem to mind. Brad has changed into a tie for the evening but insists on wearing the cowboy hat and continues to not pull it off. Since Kara’s so sincere and so good at backing up a horse, he offers her a rose to secure her safety at the next rose ceremony.

The following day, it’s time to leave the Rocky Mountains behind as Brad puts on his brightest fluorescent man tank and jets off to Mexico to meet Ana, Bianka, Gabriella, Brittany and Tia.

Altruism is on the agenda for the first group date of the week as the gang head off to a community centre to donate a van full of sporting goods to underprivileged children. Never mind that the equipment probably cost about 15 seconds of worth of fuel for Brad’s helicopter, it’s the thought that counts.

Brad insists that the date is about giving back, but he reveals that it’s also about evaluating how the ladies’ interact with the kids. Let’s call it what it is Brad: mommy practice.

Bianka spends the date playing hard to get and when Brad finally corners her, she admits that he’s maybe, sorta growing on her–maybe. Brad apparently loves a challenge and insists that he’s willing to put in the effort to get to know her, despite her permanent emotionless frown face.

After the requisite amount of ball kicking and hair tousling with the kids, Brad and the Bachelorettes wave adios and head back to the resort for poolside shenanigans. Brad is quickly becoming king of the hotel party.

Gabrielle, Ana, Tia, Bianka, Britany and Bachelor Brad
Gabrielle, Ana, Tia, Bianka, Britany and Bachelor Brad

After the girls spend an uncomfortable amount of time coercing Brad out of his shirt, he and Gabrielle kick off the evening with a private hot tub chat. She refuses to make eye contact and they have a conversation about how nobody “gets” her, but Brad seems convinced there’s some chemistry there.

Bianka is still acting aloof, so Brad pulls her aside to confront her about opening up. She reveals that the last time she dated someone serious–another professional athlete–she lost him to Kim Kardashian (you can’t make this stuff up folks) and was heartbroken.

So after being heartbroken by a reality star, she decided to go looking for love with another reality star? The irony appears to be lost on both of them and Brad vows that he’s no Kris Humphries, and he won’t break her heart (actually there’s about an eleven-in-twelve chance that he will dump her, but let’s ignore that for now).

He proves his loyalty to Bianka by choosing her to enjoy a special day with him in Mexico and sends the rest of the girls off to pack their bags and fly back to Victoria.

The next day, Bianka puts on her sassiest nautical outfit (an anchor decal, in sequins!) and climbs aboard Brad’s borrowed 60-something-foot yacht to swill champagne and totally forget about those underprivileged Mexican children. Maybe it’s all the sun and saltwater, but throughout the date Bianka actually starts to develop some emotions; Brad couldn’t be happier about her new-found feelings and her butt-cheek revealing bikini bottoms.

Back at the mansion, the final date card arrives and all of the girls speculate whether or not they’ll be on the list. Apparently no one in the house can do basic math because Tyler already revealed there would be enough date spots for every girl.

Whitney, Laura B., Chantelle, Michelle B., Nicole and Sophie are selected for the final group date which promises to be a competitive afternoon spent enjoying “the most Canadian experience of all time.” What could it be? Chugging bottles of Molson Canadian? A hockey shootout? Being overly polite to each other in Tim Horton’s lineups?

Sophie, Chantelle, Laura B., Brad, Nicole, Whitney, and Michelle B.
Sophie, Chantelle, Laura B., Brad, Nicole, Whitney, and Michelle B.

Oh no, it’s some sort of lumberjack Olympics complete with wood sawing, pole climbing and “hitting each other with sticks” over a pond. I don’t know about you guys, but this date is an extremely accurate representation of my everyday experiences as a Canadian.

The ladies divide into pink and blue teams and get to work learning about which end of the saw is the sharp part. During the lumberjack training, Whitney shows off her impressive biceps but warns the girls about hitting her equally rock solid but not so real chest.

When the competition begins, Laura B. scores the first victory point for the blue team by proving she knows how to work her way around a pole (sorry, I had to).

During the jousting round, Sophie and Whitney spend the first two minutes trying to splash each other into submission. Finally, the ladies realize that they might actually have to hit one another and eventually I-refuse-to-lose-Whitney wins the round for the pink team (surprise, surprise).

The tie-breaker log sawing competition comes down to Laura B. and Chantelle sawing for the blue team against Michelle and Nicole sawing for the pink team. Underdog blue team proves they’re the speediest sawers and their prize is of course, Brad Time. Sore loser Whitney complains about her weak teammate because obviously she’s not to blame here.

The blue team gals head off with Brad to enjoy a romantic waterfront dinner. In keeping with the oh-so Canadian theme, they drink beer and are serenaded by country singer Dean Brody, who sings the requisite “Canadian Girls” soundtrack for the evening. Cue the awkward group dancing!

Brad then spends some time having one-on-one chats with each of the girls. He tells Laura B. to cool it with the DRAH-MA and poor old Sophie doesn’t get any air time during her alone time, so it’s pretty safe to assume she’s heading out the door this week.

Chantelle is desperate for Brad to find out who Chantelle really is, which means telling him she hasn’t kissed a boy in four years… oh and that she’s also a virgin. Brad lets her know that he’s totally cool with her life choices, making him either the nicest Bachelor in history or a big liar.

I’m still undecided on this one.

After the date, Brittany and Chantelle have a corporate sponsored bubble bath together (girls always do this by the way) to discuss their nerves about going home.

Host Tyler Harcott
Host Tyler Harcott

Once the girls are in their evening wear, they gather in the living room and Tyler arrives with an IMPORTANT ANNOUCNEMENT that’s been “coming up next” for about 45 minutes now. He reveals that Brad has to make a difficult decision, buuuuut apparently picking two ladies to send home ain’t too difficult, because he’s actually going to be booting four Bachelorettes out of the mansion. Brad also decides to kibosh the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, denying the girls the opportunity to cool their nerves with a drink… what a jerk.

Solem faced Brad arrives and gives a brief “I gotta do what I gotta do” speech and then gets to work distributing the seven remaining roses, sending home Tia, Sophie (called it!), Michelle B. and Nicole.

The Bachelor Canada airs every Wednesday at 9:30 PM (ET/PT) on Citytv.

Remaining Bachelorettes:
Ana
Bianka
Britany
Chantelle
Gabrielle
Kara
Laura B.
Whitney

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is a 27-year-old writer from Toronto who enjoys combining cheap wine with bad reality television. She currently writes a weekly opinion column for Metro newspapers across Canada and tweets photos of her food from @jess_emma.