Review: A.X.L.

I know what you’re thinking right now. “Man, that half star/1 out of 10 rating makes me think this thing is pretty dire.” And yes, A.X.L., a curiously uncool and wildly stupid… family… family film… I think this is a family film… um… where was I? Oh, yeah. That’s right. The low rating. Well, that low score is purely a matter of perspective. If you like films that are technically accomplished, well acted, and boast a great characters and story, A.X.L. will deplete your will to live rapidly enough during the first fifteen minutes that you likely won’t stick around longer to induce brain damage. I… hmmmmm… what was I going to say? Oh, yes. If you like movies that are hilariously off-the-rails-and-into-outer-space levels of awful, you’ll have a blast watching A.X.L., an unholy mash-up of Supercross, Man’s Best Friend, and bits and pieces of both Short Circuit films. If you like cheesy movies, those three titles that I referenced probably mean something to you. If the only one of those you recognized was Short Circuit, abandon all hope ye who enter A.X.L. because you will leave a changed human being. If you like things extra cheesy and extra dumb, by all means see A.X.L. before it is unceremoniously forgotten about. And… um… enjoy whatever’s left of your brain afterwards.

Miles Hill (Alex Neustaedter) is a poor kid from the wrong side of the tracks who’s struggling as a motocross rider, frequently losing to a douchy dickhead (Alex MacNicoll) with a super rich daddy (Ted McGinley). After he’s cruelly pranked by the bully and his crew of interchangeable morons, Miles is left basically for dead in the middle of the California desert. While he’s trying to get his bearings he’s attacked and nearly ripped to shreds by A.X.L. – which stands for ATTACK EXPLORATIONS LOGISTICS – an enormous robotic dog that recently escaped from a top secret weapons manufacturer, two days before robopup was supposed to be shown off to some U.S. military buyers. Miles shows the terrifying looking dog some kindness and eventually becomes the robot’s trainer. This pleases the scientists who created A.X.L. (Dominic Rains, Lou Taylor Pucci), who watch from their office (seriously, they never leave) as they’ve unwittingly lucked into a human trial with the robot that would have taken years to accomplish. But they do want it back, so they send out a bunch of hit squads, and the bully is still cheesed off that Miles’ new bestie got the drop on them. It’s up to Miles and the girl he likes (Becky G) to save A.X.L. from the bullies and keep him from becoming a killing machine under the control of the military.

I really don’t know exactly where to begin with something like A.X.L. It’s nearly impossible to list how top to bottom silly, incoherent, and stupid the first feature from writer-director Oliver Daly truly manages to be. It starts off like a boring, uninteresting teen sports movie (after a brief prologue that explains A.X.L.’s ill fitting name) about a hard working kid put in opposition to someone who’s been handed everything on a silver platter. The film begins on a sour note, and transitions so quickly into fantasy land that it feels like the producers (including David S. Goyer) put the script down and said, “Do you know what would zazz this up? An enormous, terrifying robotic canine.”

They got their wish, and as soon as A.X.L. shows up, the bad movie vibes skyrocket. Immediately one questions, “What is the audience for this, and how did anyone think this was a good idea?” The dog – which boasts enormous, razor sharp teeth and gears in his mouth that he uses to grind anything that comes near it to pieces – is too blatantly fearsome for this to be a kids’ movie. By that same token, watching a couple of doofus teens take this miracle of human innovation – which can super easily rip off money from ATMs and pay for the gas in your truck, which benefits a war machine, how? – spend most of their time teaching it to balance cans of energy drinks on its head is the stuff adults would rightfully scoff off the screen. Oh, and did I mention that this seventy million dollar killing machine – which sounds like a strangely cheap figure for something like this, leading me to ask why these people just didn’t build a Terminator – can also play “Dancing in the Moonlight” from a speaker in the MIDDLE OF ITS FACE while using its laser sights to put on a light show. Who programmed this thing? Why can’t I form sentences right now? Again, who thought all of this would add up to anything approximating a good idea?

This is from the “Dancing in the Moonlight” scene. This is what the dog looks like when it’s trying to be cute and relatable.

Furthermore, the dog is wildly inconsistent with its survival skills. The opening prologue shows that it comes with any number of weapons systems, but we never see any of them. Despite how handy it would be to use these items in close scrapes, I guess the only thing in the budget (or ratings guidelines) was to make A.X.L. just bark, pounce, and gnaw his victims to death. He has the capability to create speech, which would also be handy if he only knew more words than “Yo, send it!” (I’m not even going to try and explain that.) In wide shots, A.X.L. looks like an unconvincing blur of bad C.G.I., and in close-ups it’s a barely functional animatronic that looks like it’s perpetually on the fritz. It’s also easily outsmarted by any number of everyday household items and easily avoidable swerves. The dog itself is about as effective as throwing a heavy rock at something from about five feet. You’re never sure what kind of damage will be done, but it could work.

I could keep going on about just how bizarrely off kilter A.X.L. is, but it’s one of those things that you’ll either want to steer clear of forever or just experience it for yourself. I haven’t brought up Thomas Jane’s befuddled supporting turn as Miles’ husband, the film’s half-assed attempt to talk about class division, or how the film’s final scenes feel straight out of a serial killer movie… or how those scenes come immediately after a climax that mounts the most incredibly fucking awful reference to The Iron Giant I hope to ever see… and how that comes after a “fix up the robot montage” that takes place in the world’s most conveniently unguarded 3D printing warehouse. Oh, and the teens are immediate experts on how to 3D print parts they didn’t make in the first place. Okay, I’ll stop. My phone has been ringing for awhile now. My loved ones are calling to check on me. All I have been texting them is “hahahaha A.X.L.A.X.L.A.X.L.A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L. A.X.L.” and I think I’m losing consciousness. I am tired. So tired. So very, very tired. Get off my lawn. Vitamins. Get me some nachos. Pain.

A.X.L. opened in theatres everywhere on Friday, August 24, 2018. It was not screened in advance for press because, honestly, why would anyone screen this for anybody?

Review dictated, but not read.

Check out the trailer for A.X.L.: