A script from renowned writer David Koepp normally provides filmmakers and actors with a healthy base to build from. Not so with Jonny Campbell’s zombie comedy Cold Storage, which is curiously flat for a film that comes with a bit of a pedigree and a concept with some promise. Koepp, here adapting his own novel, has produced mega-blockbusters (Jurassic Park, Angels and Demons, War of the Worlds), underrated gems (Carlito’s Way, Black Bag, Death Becomes Her), and solidly entertaining B-movies (Premium Rush, Bad Influence, Secret Window) across his career, but Cold Storage doesn’t fit into these categories with any degree of conviction. With a low budget and a cast that appears confused by the tone Campbell is failing to establish, Cold Storage flounders at nearly every turn.
In the late 1970s, when the Skylab research station plummeted unceremoniously back to Earth and into the Australian outback, it brought back with it a deadly, mutated fungus that causes anyone infected by it to go nutty before exploding them from the inside out. The U.S. government agents tasked with the clean-up effort (Liam Neeson and Lesley Manville) isolated the fungus and buried it deep within a government facility in Western Kansas. Fast forward to present day, and the former military base where the fungus was stashed in a supposedly climate controlled facility has become a self-storage space. Hapless security guard and ex-con Travis (Joe Kerry), affectionately nicknamed “Teacake,” and new hire Naomi (Georgina Campbell) start hearing a beeping noise from behind the walls of the facility. Lo and behold, the fungus is escaping and infecting all the nearby wildlife and anyone else who comes in contact with it, and it’s up to Travis and Naomi to keep things as contained as possible until the fungus’ discoverers make their way to storage unit and save the day.
Cold Storage bears a passing resemblance to the punk rock horror flick Return of the Living Dead, only not nearly as gory or fun. Just like in that film a couple of working stiffs come face to face with a deadly toxin that’s turning people into zombie-like monsters. Cold Storage isn’t exactly a zombie movie in the traditional sense (actually appearing somewhat closer to James Gunn’s Slither or Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever in terms of plot specifics), but it bears a lot of the same genre hallmarks. It also, distressingly, doesn’t feel like much of a comedy, either. The jump scares and action sequences are always blunted by a lack of panache, and the comedic punchlines are awkwardly delivered and rarely laugh out loud funny. The only thing that’s novel about Cold Storage is that it feels knowingly derivative of better movies.
Outside of the cut rate budget, which has some impressively goopy make-up effects and gory bits when called upon, the biggest issue with Cold Storage is the tone. Jonny Campbell’s sense of pacing is way off, with much of the movie coming across as a time killing drag, offering up little in the way of humour or horror until nearly the halfway point. And just as things feel like they’re going to get seriously deadly or seriously silly, Travis and Naomi are thrust into dangerous situations with his terrible boss (Gavin Spokes) and her abusive ex-husband (Aaron Heffernan) that feel like little more than ways to waste time until Neeson and Manville can come back into the picture again. (And even that’s rare since the amount of time that Neeson interacts on screen with either of the primary leads is obviously slim.)
The performances are weirdly off-putting all around, almost as if none of the actors were given any sense of direction. Neeson appears to be inhabiting a film that’s meant to be a lot wackier than the one with Keery and Campbell, who downplay everything like they’re in a stoner comedy of some sort. No two characters in Cold Storage act like they’re on the same planet, let alone inhabiting the same movie. Outside of Manville, who feels the most effortless here and sadly has the least amount of screen time, no one is able to bring a source of energy that could provide a spark for the lax direction.
If there was some degree of unpredictability and zest to be found, it would be easier to overlook all of Cold Storage’s other numerous faults, like the abusive ex plot thread that belongs in a much darker movie, constant lapses in logic, and the ability of our heroes to always escape being infected by the fungus while everyone else can catch it simply by looking at it the wrong way. Something this silly needs to be tackled full tilt and without half-measures. Instead, Cold Storage flatlines its way through everything it attempts like a shambling corpse of a better movie.
Cold Storage is now playing in select theatres.
